RStan: LETS CHAT
SwankiVY2: what about?
RStan: I'M SAMMY
SwankiVY2: Good for you, I'm Ivy.
RStan: DO U HAVE A PICTURE?
SwankiVY2: yeah, why do you want it?
RStan: I AM IN GAINESVILLE TOO
SwankiVY2: Is that intended for informational purposes, or is that some sort of justification for why you want my picture?
RStan: HOW OLD RU?
SwankiVY2: Um, I don't blast my age around the internet.
RStan: IF U WANT TO SEND IT DO
SwankiVY2: Nah, I don't want to send it.
RStan: SUCK IT

[Containing my surprise at such a reply after he asked so nicely, I continued.]

SwankiVY2: What am I supposed to suck?
RStan: ME
SwankiVY2: You make it as if it's a choice . . . send it, or suck it.
SwankiVY2: Now, what if I want to do none of the above?
SwankiVY2: I mean, why the hell should you care what I look like?
RStan: DO U WANT TO MEET?
SwankiVY2: Why? I don't even know you, dude. You told me your name is SAMMY but you didn't tell me anything else about you!
RStan: WHAT ELSE IS THERE
SwankiVY2: Are you serious? You think there's nothing else to you but a name? That's a label. If there's nothing to label, then what do you need a name for?
SwankiVY2: Maybe one thing you could give me is a good reason why I should keep talking to you after you told me to SUCK IT.
SwankiVY2: Over my not wanting to send my picture, of all things. Do you know how rude that is??
SwankiVY2: Gawd, we just met.
SwankiVY2: I'm not sure I want to speak to you, much less suck anything!
RStan: YOUR LOSSS
SwankiVY2: Umm . . . I'm afraid not. I'm losing the name SAMMY, oh gawd, I'm so upset. You're losing an intelligent, fun person who can also construct a sentence.
RStan: CALL ME
SwankiVY2: Wait, if it's my LOSS, I can't very well call you.
SwankiVY2: Then I wouldn't be losing you.
SwankiVY2: I mean, what would we talk about?
RStan: 3727090
RStan: THE FIRST THING THAT POPS UP

[I had to wonder if this was meant in a disgusting way, but I didn't call him on it. :)]

SwankiVY2: 8675309--Jenny!
SwankiVY2: What a great song.
RStan: CALL
SwankiVY2: No! I don't call people unless I give a crap about talking to them, and you haven't said a single thing that's interesting.
SwankiVY2: Don't you DO anything?
RStan: I GET FUCKED UP
SwankiVY2: Well, don't you sound like an upstanding young man, SAMMY??
SwankiVY2: No, wait. . . .
SwankiVY2: That doesn't sound upstanding at all.
SwankiVY2: Actually, it sounds more like you're a big loser. Can you tell me anything about yourself that's NOT pathetic?
RStan: I AM 5 FOOT 10
SwankiVY2: Oh, well there's an achievement.
SwankiVY2: Do you think? Like, have thoughts? Want to tell me about them?
RStan: DO YOU THINK I AM A LOSER? I THINK YOUR A WHORE
SwankiVY2: Well, you'd be mistaken, I'm afraid, since whores tend to be paid for sexual favors and you haven't asked me whether I do that yet. The answer, in case you were planning to ask, is no.
RStan: I HAVE FIVE DOLLARS
SwankiVY2: For what? Lemonheads?
RStan: IS THAT ENOUGH F0R U AND YOU MOM?
SwankiVY2: Oooh . . . you'd like to purchase a piece of my mom's ass? I think she's busy tonight.
RStan: BUT YOUR MOMS ASS IS SO TIGHT

[I wondered how he knew this.]

SwankiVY2: Boy, that's pretty funny . . . you want to screw my mom and pay her!!!! LOLOLOL
SwankiVY2: Jeez, you don't even know what we look like yet and you're offering to pay us for sex! Can you say L-O-S-E-R?
RStan: I THINK ILLL GIVE YOU ALL MY MONYE
RStan: IF YOU BRING YOU MOM
SwankiVY2: Hmm . . . creeping from the pathetic to the absurd. . . .
SwankiVY2: Dude, you're starting to worry me. You're digging yourself further and further into the Pit O' Insults.
SwankiVY2: Soon you shall be in China.
RStan: SO DO YOU HAVE STREACH MARKS?>
SwankiVY2: Streach marks??
SwankiVY2: What the hell is a streach mark?
SwankiVY2: Some kind of newfangled laundry detergent?
RStan: FROM WHERE THAT DILDO HAS BEEN
RStan: CAUSE I KNOW YOU DONT GET THE REAT THING
SwankiVY2: Oh, of course you meant stretch marks . . . dude, you really must learn to spell so that I can understand you. . . .
RStan: DO YOU SMOKE BUDS?
SwankiVY2: I don't get the real thing huh? You base your assumption on absolutely nothing so . . . your conclusion is irrelevant.
RStan: WHATEVER
SwankiVY2: I bet you didn't understand that LOL
RStan: I BET YOU LICK CARPET
SwankiVY2: I'll tell you what I tell the kids in my room: CAPS is considered SHOUTING, kids! It's not very nice!
SwankiVY2: Carpet? No, I don't lick carpet.
SwankiVY2: Of course, I'm playing dumb here . . . you're accusing me of being a lesbian, which is also totally unfounded.
RStan: SO YOU MUST BE ATLEAST 30
SwankiVY2: Another premature assumption!
RStan: ARE YOU FINE?
SwankiVY2: Guess what? You don't know a damn thing about me because you didn't ask.
SwankiVY2: You know nothing about my sex life, looks, or age . . . so stop making yourself sound dumber than you already do by drawing erroneous conclusions.
SwankiVY2: Do you understand, young man?
SwankiVY2: ::playing teacher::
RStan: SO DO YOU LIKE TO SMOKE HERB
SwankiVY2: No, not really. I don't need that.
SwankiVY2: I suppose you do?
RStan: YOU ARE PATHETIC
SwankiVY2: LOL so people who don't smoke herb are pathetic?
RStan: ARE YOU GOING TO TEACH ME
RStan: THE WAYS OF THE HOLLY
RStan: LETS PLAY
SwankiVY2: I could probably teach you quite a few things.
SwankiVY2: #1: netiquette! TAKE YOUR CAPS LOCK OFF.
RStan: DO YOU HAVE A NICE BODY?
RStan: IF NOT DONT TALK TO ME ANYMOORE
SwankiVY2: I've been told I have a nice body, but you'll never see it.
SwankiVY2: You sound utterly closed-minded . . . you only want to talk to someone if they look good to you . . . ANd I find that totally disgusting.
RStan: OF COURSE I DO ITS HUMAN NATURE
SwankiVY2: No, I'm afraid it's not human nature to be STUPID.
RStan: ARE YOU NAKED?
SwankiVY2: Um, no . . . you don't sit in front of a computer naked unless you're pathetic or a nudist, and I'm neither.
RStan: I LIKE TO BE NUDE
RStan: SO YOUR CALLING ME STUPID?
SwankiVY2: Being nude is fine. Naked is different.
SwankiVY2: I didn't say you're stupid, but I will say that you're acting stupid. Can you lay off the insults a second and let me tell you why?
RStan: I THINK YOU ARE A FAT BITCH THAT HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO AT NIGHT THEN HARRASS ME
SwankiVY2: Okay, number one, YOU started it by IMing me. I didn't seek you out. Number two, my weight has nothing to do with whether I am bitchy.
RStan: HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?
SwankiVY2: I weigh 105, if you must know.
RStan: NOT BAD
SwankiVY2: I suppose not, for my height, but that's irrelevant. You're never going to see my body, and I'm never going to have sex with you, or pretend to.
RStan: YOU WANT ME ADMIT IT
RStan: ARE YOU A VIRGIN?
SwankiVY2: Guess what? My sexual experience or lack thereof is none of your business. . . .
SwankiVY2: And anyway, someone who carries on in such a childish, sex-hungry fashion will never ever get a piece of this.
SwankiVY2: To quote the timeless M.C. Hammer: "U Can't Touch This."
RStan: YOU MUST BE BLACK
SwankiVY2: No, I am not black. Another erroneous conclusion . . . see how easily you make them?
SwankiVY2: Now here's the solution, so you can stop making other people think you're an idiot:
SwankiVY2: THINK before you speak.
RStan: ANY ONE WHO LISTENS TO MC HAMMER MUST BE A NEGRO
SwankiVY2: Okay, number one that's not true, and number two, I DON'T listen to M.C. Hammer.
RStan: DO YOU LIKE SLAYER?
RStan: MEGADETH?
RStan: KORN?
RStan: INFECTIOUS GROOVES?
SwankiVY2: See, now you start to tell me something about yourself . . . you see, if someone asks you about you, maybe you can list your musical interests.
SwankiVY2: The answer is no, though . . . I've never listened to any of those bands. I suppose I'm probably going to get called pathetic now since my tastes don't match yours.
RStan: I DONT PLAY THAT BABY
RStan: I TALK ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
SwankiVY2: You don't have to "play" anything. But I'm not your baby, nor will I ever BE your baby. So don't get fresh with me.
SwankiVY2: *I* like to listen to Ween and They Might Be Giants.
SwankiVY2: I think they're pretty damn cool.
RStan: DO YOU SWALLOW?
SwankiVY2: About once a minute, yes. The content is mostly saliva when I'm not eating, though I assume it must also contain particles of dust and errant food particles.
SwankiVY2: When I eat, the composition is quite different.
SwankiVY2: I won't go into that.
RStan: DO YOU LIKE PEARLS?
SwankiVY2: No, I think they're tacky. I prefer plastic.
RStan: WELL I CAN GIVE YOU A PEARL NECKLESS
SwankiVY2: Well, dude, I'd probably throw it in the garbage, since I just *told* you I don't like pearls. Don't you listen?
SwankiVY2: No, wait . . . I wouldn't throw it out . . . I'd pawn it.
RStan: IT WOULD BE STUCK TO U
SwankiVY2: You're really getting a kick out of thinking I'm not getting any of this, aren't you?
SwankiVY2: I understand what you're saying perfectly and just refuse to acknowledge it. Yes, I'm playing you, and it's so much fun. . . .
RStan: JUST BECAUSE YOU TYPE MORE THAN ME DOESN MEAN YOUR SMARTER THAN ME

[Oh, it's SO sweet to be able to type 100 wpm with these losers. . . . ]

SwankiVY2: Of course it doesn't, but if you look at the content, you might make the conclusion that my statements have a slightly higher intellectual value. . . .
SwankiVY2: Well, I was lying on the "slightly" bit.
RStan: OK
RStan: DO YOU WANT TO HOOK UP AND PARTY SOME TIME?
SwankiVY2: No, I don't want to hook up with you. You're a self-absorbed, sex-scrounging, grammar-ignoring, thick-headed, sick little pathetic freak. Goodnight!